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This is a journey I started when I found out mom had "terminal"? lung cancer, 1mon after my dad killed himself.

Entry for September 09, 2008: September 9th, 2008.

Hello All,

Well, it’s finally official. It has been a year since my mom passed away. Truthfully, even though I felt every second of everyday the pain of it all still feels like it happened today.
In the last few months I have not been writing much in my blog, or updating groups very often. I did well for quite a few months in terms of facing the pain, but lately I haven’t been able to have it all in my face. This doesn’t mean that I have forgotten all the people who have shown me support, nor does it mean I’m any less committed to cancer advocacy and awareness. It just means I have some healing to do before I can juggle it all again.
It is really like I have to learn everything in life over again. I guess it could also be said that I have another chance to start my life. I wouldn’t always consider my efforts effective or graceful, but I know that is what she would want. I took the vacation she didn’t live to see, I have started back at university (slowly) in hopes to complete my degree, and I make sure that she is part of my daughter’s life almost everyday.
I just wanted to thank everyone once again for reaching out, your help, your thoughts and for all the support you still give after an entire year. I hope that I’m all to help others....the way some people have helped my family and I. It is the only thing that keeps me going some days. I hope I’ll be back updating and writing again soon, when it becomes a healthy avenue of expression once again.
Love to you all, especially to my amazing mom for teaching me what I needed to survive this, even if it isn’t always pretty, I couldn’t think of a more lasting gift in life.

Sincerely,
Rhonda

(picture above...my daughter Jaida off to her first day of kindergarten yesterday... definitely some highs and lows this week.)

Hard to believe most times but life does go on.....to all of you who I speak with, or email and to those that just read......there is nothing in me more extraordinary that what you all possess with in yourselves. All the different "modes" in your brain and mind will do what they need to do to get you through the worst of times. Whether you, or someone you love has a good prognosis or a poor prognosis, we all have the very lows and very highs. There is always hope, I still have hope and my mom died. Look to your strengths to make things easier. Don't dwell on your weaknesses. Don't run from the worst reality.....but do not let your mind spend to long there either. If you pay honest attention to yourself....your mind will tell you when which is which. Love openly and lose openly. When you feel like you can't help yourself or your loved one....help others. Positive thought and energy to help...even when unannounced. I believe the best place in a journey is where you are right now, because it could ALWAYS BE WORSE. Somedays you won't remember or believe that, give yourself that day, then get your ass off the ground and get back on your feet the next. It's never "over".

Tags: oneyearsincemompassed

Tuesday September 9, 2008 - 03:04pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for June 17, 2008: I'm am unwritten, cant read my mind, i'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition,
sometimes my tries,
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Tuesday June 17, 2008 - 03:28pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for June 09, 2008: BARENAKED LADIES LYRICS

"What A Good Boy"

When I was born, they looked at me and said
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.

We've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

[Chorus]
This name is the hairshirt I wear,
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me,
be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

[Chorus]

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right,
so instead I looked in the mirror,
watched TV, laid awake all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...

[Chorus]

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey

Monday June 9, 2008 - 12:28am (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for May 08, 2008: Something I've been wanting to say, to you.
Are you sitting down?
Pretty soon there'll be a day,
when I won't be around.

I'm not trying to scare you,
or play on your sympathy.
Just want to remind you,
that life is a symphony.

So everyday,
live it like it's your last one,
Every kiss,
Kiss it like it's your first love,
If i had one wish, then I would wish,
that you would live today like everyday.
Everyday is your last one.

People always rushing around,
wasting time on money.
Don't be just a face in the crowd,
Getting high and running from something.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do,
But in the end it's up to you.

Everyday,
live it like it's your last one,
Every kiss,
Kiss it like it's your first love,
If i had one wish, then I would wish,
that you would live today like everyday.
Everyday is your last one.

Dip your feet into the ocean,
let the sun beat on your skin.
Soak in every emotion that you never thought you'd live.
And never take forgranted,
every breath you're breathing in,
Go everywhere you've never been.

Everyday, live it like it's your last one,
Every kiss, Kiss it like it's your first love.

Everyday,
live it like it's your last one,
Every kiss,
Kiss it like it's your first love,
If i had one wish, then I would wish,
that you would live today like everyday.
Everyday is your last one.
Everyday.

Tags: freedom

Thursday May 8, 2008 - 04:33am (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
somewhere over the rainbow.: Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Thursday May 8, 2008 - 04:28am (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments